年末年始、or the road to becoming a finisher

hey pals

the last days of the year are nigh, and the last few months have been a blur.  let's discuss~

had two major depressive episodes from the start of may until mid-june, and october through mid-november.  as the name would suggest, these times aren't much fun; the only things you get done are a lot of sitting around, lying down, and staring into space

I bounced back during ol' movember, when I saw myself in the mirror for the first time in awhile: shitty beard, out of shape, generally unhappy.  it didn't take long to decide that the rut I stuck myself in wasn't helping me none.  I thought to myself, 'ffs buddy, you've let yourself go.  what happened since Kyoto?' well, I suppose manic depression happened, but that's still no excuse to put life on permanent pause

so I started leaving the dorms.  at first, it was just to drink at any of the myriad pubs I've found during my time in Vancity.  I'd get a pretty good beer jacket on, then walk home, sometimes from as far away as the West End, and pick up bottles and cans on the way home.  I figured I might as well get paid for getting a workout, and make the streets a little brighter

and that worked.  I dropped most of the gut, and started to look like not-a-schlub.  I started using my iPhone more, getting all sorts of apps for banking, school, Groupon and the like.  I used the deals to get cheap food - or so I thought; you're still paying, albeit less, for eating out at semi-expensive restaurants - and watched my bank account dwindle.  the visa's nearly at its limit now, what with all of my reckless spending on booze, food, electronics, and so on

if you've ever wondered about bipolar disorder (manic depression), I recommend watching Stephen Fry's 'the secret life of the manic depressive', a two-part documentary on the subject.  I understand how it can be therapeutic to spend money on objects desired, but not required.  how it's so damn tough to find someone who understands your condition; unless you're one of us 'mentally-ill' kids, sad to say, well-meaning empathy can't get you a glimpse behind the curtain of the brainbox

which isn't too exclusionary.  a lot of mental illness goes undiagnosed, be it because of pride (one of my major faults), ignorance, or fear of admission.  as I say, it's tough stuff to deal with

I told my dad all about my plans for this coming semester.  about how I wanted to enter engineering this coming september, upgrade my sciences in the interim, keep up with Japanese language, and find some work to support going out more.  it all felt so obvious and logical to me, and it wasn't until he started to poke holes in that logic that I slowly began to break down.  what did I want out of an engineering degree?  why can't I finish this degree - oh, I don't like writing essays? so why did I choose the arts faculty?  what makes me think engineering is going to be any easier?

he concluded his gentle but calculated evisceration of my current plan by telling me that in the world, there's millions of starters, folks that get going on projects, but never quite finish.  out of those millions of people, he said, there's maybe a hundred finishers, people who know the task at hand, 'get er done', and move on to the next thing.  he said it was time I became a finisher; I know he only has so many more working years, and can only support me for so long up here

I'd been careless on his dime, and I felt no regret until he made me think about it.  there's going to come a time when nobody can bail me out, and I'll have no one to turn to but myself.  the thought of that is terrifying

so, during these dark december nights, with the solstice past and new dawns stretching the days back to summer's long haze, I pledge to become a finisher, graduate, and do something meaningful with my life

...after I celebrate the new year with some of my closest pals in the city I love :3

再生 - back from the dead

Man, it's been entirely too long.  I scrapped the posts from my post-Kyoto haze; though eccentric and hopeful, they were also unintelligible!  Time to run a tight ship~

So, it's been six months.  Where has the time gone?

• Lost my important worldly possessions during a manic episode in Vancouver.  I tossed everything aside: my backpack with Macbook, DS, portable harddrive.  Not one, but two phones, including the iPhone I purchased only minutes before.  My passport and my wallet were also scattered to the wind
• Christmas came and went, bringing a new laptop (which I totally don't deserve, but hell if I'm not putting it to use!) and seasonal work at the liquor store.  This is the last job I held.
• Went to Vancouver at the start of March to see Against Me! at the Rickshaw, and hang out with my pals.  I can't wait to move down there, which isn't far away because...
• I applied, and was accepted to, the University of British Columbia!  I decided that I'm going to pursue a BA in Asian Language and Culture.  Perhaps it's a bit too specialist, but it's certainly something I have a passion for.
• With my leftover school fees, took a bartending course.  I had a lot of fun doing it, but the job market in Kamloops is DEAD.  I'd like to move to the coast now and job hunt, but I don't have enough to support myself/anywhere to stay that isn't grossly overpopulated already.  Is this a catch-22?
• Nearing the end of Remembering The Kanji I, finally!  I've been able to read more material online, and I'm leafing through the few manga that I picked up before I left Kyoto.

 My plan for the summer is to find work (hopefully tending bar~), get through Remembering the Kanji III, and prepare to take UBC's Japanese placement exam.  Bank account is down to its last hundred bucks, so I have to make any spending count.  The real question is: how soon before I turn to professional gambling? :P

We'll see what the coming days bring: hitting the streets tomorrow!

Do you have anymore coffee?

Just over two weeks left in my exchange in Kyoto - the perfect time to start writing again, eh? Screw timeliness; I'll be a blogger some day, dammit.

The I-House isn't the same these days. Departures started sudden but slow. It hurt the most to see the people I had spent the whole year with leave: first Megan, then Antje and Nico. Russ and Delphine made their quiet exits. I didn't cry. Hell, not even when the ultimate emotional duo of Michela and Alyssa gave me their sisterly goodbyes did I do anything but tell a joke and pass them on to the visibly bereaved. Maybe it's better this way, right? I stopped being the blubberer when I was a kid. Okay, maybe a teen. Still, I'd rather not have them see me cry. They know how I feel.

Exodus depression aside, things have been shiny. Exams and papers are things of the past for the next month, so I'm free to enjoy the company of the remaining folks while I have it. Marc, Chiaki and I have been burning through movies, making dinner, and going on AMAZING adventures.

Our recent AMAZING outing was on Saturday night, when Kumiko made her way over from Osaka to hang out in the old capital. We hung out at Torikizoku, the everything-for-3-bucks chicken joint as we usually do, but this time we had the finest corner seat. Brilliant view of the Kabuki Hall and Kiyomizu Temple while we BS'd over drinks. 10,000 yen later, Marc introduced us to my new favourite bar, "A-Bar", a cabin-in-the-wall place a little ways away in Kiyamachi. The aesthetic reminded me of the Cambie: log structure, writing on the tables, eccentric patrons. Bonus points for being clean, though. Our conversation came around to guessing the ages of the two girls sat next to me. They giggled knowingly, so we started talking with them in Japanese - lots of fun. The rest of the night is a blur of the reggae bar's "Happy Birthday to Ya!", walking about in the river, taking shelter with Kumiko under Sanjo bridge, and coming home. Always missing a beat, Marc lost his camera (he lost his cellphone and glasses on separate drunken occasions. Don't ask me how one loses glasses). All in all, a sufficiently epic night.

Today, we're going on a drive to Amanohashidate, one of the three great view of Japan north of Kyoto. Who knows? Maybe I'll slap some pictures up, and even tell a story. This page begs to be updated, don'cha think?

Back to the grind

It's back to business as usual now that Golden Week is over. It's a shame I didn't get to go anywhere exciting like my friends - Tokyo, Hiroshima... Living from payment to payment on the JASSO scholarship is a downer, especially when bank holidays get in the way of the schedule; I had to live on rice and furikake for a week!

Not a problem anymore, though. On Friday, the scholarship came in full! I celebrated by treating myself to a yakiniku all-you-can-eat/drink with the guys at ChiFaJa in Nijo, followed by a trip to the shisha bar. It was a pretty fantastic night, if you don't count when Marc fell asleep in the toilets for two hours :D

School assignments are starting to pile on, and I'm not sure if I can write/transliterate a speech in time for the contest. The only way to become more fluent will be to get cracking on it, but I can't let myself fall behind in homework. I've only got Literature tomorrow, fourth period, so that should give me lots of time to slap a few ideas to paper.

"Spring" here is a little rough on the senses. It feels more like July - sweltering days followed by crisp yet humid nights. I've deliberately slowed my movements so I sweat like it's a hobby rather than a job.

Another preparation for summer will be getting a haircut. This time, I'm going to spend a little extra cash - about 3,900 yen - to get a cut from a girl who came to one of my English lessons. The shop seems pretty upscale, so I'm hoping the money doesn't go to waste. Let's see if my Japanese gets me a stylish do or a butcher's nightmare~!

Free verse therapy

What's gotten into me?

Over the last little while, I've been gradually sinking into a bit of a depression, and I can't figure out why. Maybe it's the realization that I'll have to head back to Canada in just over three months. Maybe it's seeing everyone else at the dorms having better relationships - intimate and otherwise - while I sit alone. Before the new kids came, Andrew talked (jokingly) about not wanting to be forgotten. Strange that I feel it's me in the dust.

Nobody reads this blog, but I still feel the need to keep my guard up. I should just take off my armour and pour myself out onto the internets; what's the worst that could happen? Cheaper than couch therapy, leastways.

A strong need to change has washed over me a few times: my approach to studying Japanese, building confidence to talk with girls, throwing away my jester hat. I like to see others happy, but I'm not taken seriously when I'm at my low points like this.

My once-a-year meltdown. Funny that these past two have been in Kyoto. I've always got to make up some story about the death of an anonymous friend/family member to throw those nearby off the scent, to be left to my own devices while I mope about. What for? Am I depressed by the confusion of what's to come? I mean, living alone and going to school here haven't been THAT bad, and that's probably the most radical change I'll have to face in the next few years.

"What's wrong?"

I don't know. I never know. Why can't I find the balance I have when I'm happy-go-lucky? Sure, I don't have a chance with girls when I'm the goofy joke-dispenser, but at least I have a modicum of 'having-it-together'-ness".

Writing will be my therapy, I guess. My vision's already clearing up. Not sniffling. Breathing normally. Back to normal? Hardly, but it'll do.

I just need a proper pick-me-up. I don't want a random hook-up to boost the self-esteem, and avoiding pity tops out my priority list. I didn't go unnoticed when I went to check my email; Chiaki took a pretty accurate reading of my mood. Do I open up to her? I've given her an excuse over text, but she's still offering help. I know it's probably a canned line, but I can't help but feel the honesty in her words.

Ugh, I feel drained. I'll sleep on it and see where that leads me.

Productivity? 21? What?

Hey there, internet. It's been awhile.

I'll have to Cliff Notes to account for the last little while. Let's see...

- Spent Christmas at the I-House. We had a potluck dinner, where some people made dishes from their respective countries; dericious! I ruined the day by breaking my glasses (again) in the bathroom. D'oh!

- Got to Skype with my family a few times, including on Boxing Day. It's strange to see people after such a long period of silence. I miss 'em.

- Went to Tokyo via the 青春１８切符 (Youthful 18 Ticket), which took 9 hours both ways (!). Met some fellow Canadians on the way there, which made the trip a lot more fun. It's also inspired me to seek out more work here; might as well profit from this recession, eh?

- Cartoon theme songs are way better in German. Don't believe me? Check out the intros to Duck Tales, Chip and Dale (aka CHIP UND CHAP~), and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Fantastic. (Cheers, Luca!)

- Andrew's pals came over from Ol' Blighty for New Years and beyond, and we had a good time exploring Kyoto. Can't wait to visit those guys (and maybe Andrew, too) when I make my eventual trek to the UK/Europe. Done! Sorted! Also, Andrew's not allowed rum anymore...

- Saw my first bit of kabuki at the Shochiku-za in Osaka! Also: fell asleep through my first bit of kabuki at the Shochiku-za in Osaka!

- My 21st birthday was pretty special. At yakiniku, Nico was challenged by a random Japanese dude to a drinking contest. RJD held his own through at least three mugs of beer and two glasses of whisky, but lost in the end. Loss, in this case, ended with a destroyed bathroom, a gaijin escort out of the restaurant, and an ambulance call! Epic! We hit up Operetta afterwards for a little karaoke action, and LucaskippedmyWeezersongandIwillneverforgivehim. >:(

- RIP Free TV, 198X - Jan 31st 2009. It turns out that repeated percussive therapy on Ol' Mitsubishi, not to mention the daily launch of the remote control from Quentin's lap, finally killed her. New TV forthcoming? Probably, but not on my dime!

- Oh, how could I forget? I found some work! I'm leading an English conversation class every Thursday! It's really relaxed, and I get all the coffee I can drink - win! One of the ladies that comes is also trying to get me more work teaching private lessons to her friends, so that's even more cash opportunities! With any luck, I'll be able to go out more often!

Gotta refrain from writing these point-form entries, but I feel I owe it to both of my readers to give a recap on whats up. I'll try to incorporate more pictures in future posts; hell, I'll go out of my way to take pictures to ensure there are future posts.

Belated musings

I'm done with apologizing for my lack of updates in blogs. Break the cycle!

So, my time in Japan so far has been pretty good. I've had a lot of opportunities to expand my vocabulary, and learn about the nuances of the country. Living in the International House is great, as well. I've met (and currently live with) people from all over the world, so I'm able to take in many cultures and viewpoints at once.

Unfortunately, the default language has become English, so I've been slacking off and not practicing Japanese; bad news bears~! In the last week however, I've been making a concerted effort to speak with the Japanese residents of the I-House and improve my spoken language. If I keep this up, I should be fluent in no-time ;)

The Japanese language courses are great, but I really with we didn't have to take the GJP courses. Essentially, they're dummy culture classes that I could easily take back at home, but they're so unnecessary. Unfortunately, the minimum course load here is seven classes, so there's no avoiding it; only four of my classes are language. Hard to meet Japanese folks in the GJP courses, but all of us have managed to get by.

Luckily, I met my student advisor last week: a Religion professor, Shiga-sensei. He's a pretty chill guy, and he invited me to join his Buddhism seminar, which is just translating an English transcription of the Dalai Lama talking to a dude, into Japanese. My friend and fellow I-House resident Tomoko is in the class as well, so she was able to explain the Japanese vocab to me afterwards. Lots of opportunities to meet more Japanese folks with interest in English, too, so I'm ecstatic :)

Money's been pretty tight. I get 80,000 yen every month for my scholarship, but that's cut in half by my rent. In short, I have enough to exist in Japan, but not enough to LIVE here. I'm thinking about getting a job during the winter break. Even though I want to travel around, it's better if I earn a little scratch while I'm here. Clubbing in Kyoto isn't the best, but I want to check out the Osaka scene; it's only a few hundred yen to get there, so I'll hopefully be able to go around Christmas. Plus, I'll be able to meet up with Kumiko again, and attempt my shitty Kansai-ben! Woop!

I've also got to prepare for a speech contest next semester. According to Paul in the International office, I need to participate as I am a scholarship recipient. Eff! I think I'll take the gaijin route out, and talk about my experience here. Real eloquent-like!

Well, it's off to another day of class. Hopefully my updates will become more frequent, but if the past is any indication, it ain't happenin'.

A few notes before I go:

1) Nomihoudai/Tabehoudai Yakiniku is FANTASTIC. 90 minutes of unlimited meatstuffs and booze for $30? A victory to be sure. We found a great place in Nijo and had a time. Highly recommended :D

2) Japanese are afraid to talk to foreigners. This isn't much of a surprise, but it gets to be a bit grating after a time. Foreigners: initiate the conversation! They are INCREDIBLY more afraid of you than you are of them, but if you kick off the talk, they're sure to join in. Maybe they'll try a little of the English they remember from high school. Give it a go!

3) University internet is FTL. Blocked ports galore, no Adium access...the pits!! Be sure to learn how to tunnel before you come here. It worked for me! o['-']v

Talk to you eventually, internet.